It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
