I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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