My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
