You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
