I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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