Can i not drive my cunt home
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I love you.
Bad choice
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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