i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
