hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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