So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
