I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
