I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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