The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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