Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
