so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She's the barista slut.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
