she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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