I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
