Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
