i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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