Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
