If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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