i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
