I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
