Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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