I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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