I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
