i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
