Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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