I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
