the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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