i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
