The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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