i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
