yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
