your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
