PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize