then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We need to rekindle our bromance
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
