Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
