i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
