Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just had sex bonerless
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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