Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
