I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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