So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
