And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
