I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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