A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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