I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
