I puked a lego.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
