is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
