I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
