If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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