How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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