Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
love makes seman taste better
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
