Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
