I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
