Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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