it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
