I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
