wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
