dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
