Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize